The warrior's guide to survival

All through my pregnancy I’d being doing all the right things to make my birth experience quick and easy. I’d been exercising regularly, going for long walks, bouncing on the damned exercise ball till I thought it might burst, I’d taken long baths, all my vitamins, and had even tried massaging my perineum in the last few weeks. On the 21st December 2009, a Monday, I started having contractions and by the evening I thought that they were close enough together to warrant a trip to the hospital. I was scared but excited too, and to be honest, at that stage the pain was manageable, it came and it went again, and I could just about handle it. My parents took me to hospital that time – I cant remember why the ex didn't – but there was no room at the inn, and by the time a midwife became available, the contractions were a bit more spaced out. My cervix had thinned, the baby was definitely coming, but I was only 1cm dilated so was sent home and told to take paracetamol for the pain. O...

My birth story really has to begin with the pregnancy. Cubs father and I lived together but were sleeping in separate rooms - I didn't love him any more but I think part of me was trying to make a go of things just so that the previous three years had not been a complete waste of time. He was moody and paranoid - on his birthday in January he'd accused me of pretending to be sick to ruin his day. I'd been up all night with the worst most painful sickness bug I can remember, running to the loo for the one end and vomiting so furiously that at one point I 'leaked' (I'd be doing a bit more of THAT later on in the year with a baby on my bladder!). I was studying for my DTLLS and my grades reflected my home life - I'd gone from being a high first to second class degree grades. At Easter, my Grandma saw how much the relationship was distressing and upsetting me and paid for an flat in Lytham St Annes for a week for me and my dog Shadow, because she was holida...

Dear Son It's been quite a long time since I last chronicled your wonderfulness but I feel so happy today that I feel I must just get on the computer and write you another letter. Today we have been hanging out in the garden. The weather is hot and sunny but not too hot, just right, and we have been playing in your sandpit and paddling pool. You love to play with the hose pipe and then to fill up a little tub from the paddling pool and go and water the plants for me. I've been making bubbles with the bubble wand I got from asda and you and shadow will chase them and pop them. But mostly we just hang out, chatting, playing and snuggling a bit too. Your language skills are developing now, until this week it has all be variations of 'da' but you really sound as if you are saying words now, and sentences. Some things you say I can understand, like your words of shadow 'dado', that 'dat', and 'dere', banana 'nanana' and grandad ...

A collaborative artwork by me and my little button.

Dear Twitter friends Thank you for all your support today, and generally in my life. I thought that maybe I’d fill you in on some of the background that led to my sitting in that windowless room today as my solicitor scuttled in and out with various snippets of news that could affect the life of my son and I forever. It was the tail end of a long long drama that was my relationship with Cubs father, D, details of which I may or may not blog about in the future. I am going to attempt a condensed version of the past two years. Early 2009, we had been sleeping in different bedrooms for quite some time. Our relationship was not even as good as housemates really, I had tired of his ways and we led separate existences, getting together only to argue about some point or other, usually me, probably, chasing him to pull his weight around the house or contribute towards the bills. On the night before his birthday that year, I got a nasty case of sickness and diarrhoea, I won’t go into ...

Dear Son Please stop eating sand. That is all. love, Mummy xxxxx

I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. Luckily, I'd just done a nice shopping trip so what we have here in my modest little fridge are: in the door: very lazy chillies (quite possibly out of date), reggae reggae ketchup (wonderful stuff), semi skimmed milk for me and whole milk for Cub, lemon curd, salad cream, peri peri marinade, cheese, garlic and something else that i cant quite remember but am not going all the way downstairs again to investigate! in the fridge: more whole milk, 3 packs of go gouda cheese (it was reduced!), a lettuce, a cabbage, some carrots, a broccoli, some potatoes, a leek, some onions, half a red pepper, some kiddies yoghurts, some strawberries, a portion of salmon, some silverskin pickled onions, a bottle of cava that has lived there for many months as i cant drink a whole bottle alone and daren't anyway while i'm sole carer of my precious prince, some sweet potatoes, some himalayan garlic sauce, some mozarella and some mayonnaise....

Dear LionCub Although I have been rather neglectful in my intended-to-be regular correspondence to you, I felt today that I really must at last put pen to paper (so to speak). I think that today I have had quite possibly one of the best days of my life EVER. I hope that you think so too, though if truth be told, you are not really likely to remember it, your being only almost 16 months old. Despite the early morning start (resulting in a mild but persistent headache for me) and quite a major (for you, who is the sunniest-natured person I’ve ever met) meltdown in asda (to be honest, I wanted to cry too, it was dreadfully busy) I think today has been totally super. We awoke, as we do, to the sound of 1xtra on the radio, though today it was the alarm clock rather than you who initiated the music. Rather than luxuriating in bed with a little cuddling and play, as is our usual fashion, we got ourselves up and headed downstairs (yes, you can walk downstairs all by yourself now) to wal...

Dearest Darling I need to blog more, you’re learning new tricks all the time, and there’s always some I’ve forgotten. This week you amazed me by taking three steps one day, then two the next, and then…you decided that crawling is the best option and refused to even be tricked into bi-legged mobility. We shall see what next week brings! This week you’ve not only been suffering a nasty cough and cold but you’ve managed to push another tooth out and develop an interest in bushes. Yes, bushes. I suppose it’s nice to have an interest. Bless ya. The buds are just starting to grow again so we can watch how the trees and bushes spring into life over the next few months and by autumn you will be walking and we can pick blackberries together. I forgot to mention last week that you can blow bubbles in the bathwater. Don’t ask me why, but I just know that is an incredibly clever thing for a one year old to do. And you help me undress you by lifting each leg as I ask, but as for napp...

Darling Son I've been meaning to write to you again so that we can both remember the momentous leaps and bounds that you are making in this world. Since you turned One you seem to be getting funnier and cleverer every day. Your skill set improves exponentially each week. You have learnt to shake your head for no. This you do, with much hilarity, before proceeding to do what you are not supposed to, like chewing the edges of your book, dropping food on the floor or touching your Grandad's DVD player. I am not much help in honing this skill for you because every time you do it I find it impossible not to laugh at the cuteness of it all. Your first word was Mummy, you have been saying this since you were only eight months old but last week you came out with "oh dear" and then "dear dear". Which makes me wonder how often I’m saying it. From you though my dear it is heartbreakingly lovely to hear, your own very first phrase, and I am so proud. You ha...

Dear Son, I started this blog to try and capture some of the magic that is happening as you make the transition from ickle baby to big strong boy. So far i've been a bit rubbish. You may have noticed, mummy is a bit rubbish, sometimes. But I try my best, and this past year I've been far too occupied with keeping you alive and happy. Do you notice that i sometimes just sit and watch you play? i never tire of watching you, you fascinate me and amaze me, every second of every day. i have seen you transform from a little pink-faced helpless thing to a big strong toddler, so full of character and spirit. from the day you were born your personality shone out, you lifted your head and looked around, a thing that new babies are not supposed to be able to do. you strained to sit up, and even though you couldn't sit unaided, you loved it when i held you on my lap in a sitting position, so that you could see what was going on around you. i dont think you will ever know ho...

As i've been tagged in two of these now, i thought i'd jump on the bandwagon and share of few little titbits, to kick off my new year blogging, which as you may have noticed is somewhat lacking thus far. 1. I have 3 nipples. one of which, thankfully, is non-functional - i was always dreading the production of milk from this little thing on my chest but it didn't happen. phew! 2. i used to be an animal rights activist but over the years have become disillusioned with political protest, particularly after the government didn't listen to the millions of us that turned up in london to protest against the iraq war. this is not to say i will never protest again, but it saddens me that the politicians don't listen. 3. i have a post-graduate diploma in computing, in other words i did a masters course but didn't hand in my dissertation. i was having trouble with my live-in crack/coke head alcoholic boyfriend at the time so i jacked it all in and went to aust...