The warrior's guide to survival

Unpublished post from 08/07/2017 First let me apologise. I just can't seem to write these days.  The shadow of the perpetrator and his stalking still hangs over my blogging, so it stunts me. We are still here though, very much alive and happy.  You're just eating pizza at the moment and watching Mr Bean episodes.  Before that you were watching Ben and Angela, and before that, Annoying Orange. Yes, aaargh! he is, very. But I suppose seven year olds like annoying stuff. It makes you laugh.

Dear Darling It's been a while since I've written to you an in that time our lives have taken a very different turn. In December we move house and identity after all the trouble with your dad, an the courts finally saw fit to stop the abuse when we were given a no contact order. After the uncertainty and fear of the previous ten years, this year has been bliss. Throughout your whole life and for the the years before you were born my life revolved around a man who turned out to be an abuser, a stalker and paranoid delusionist. My life with you has been regularly interrupted by the court ordered abuse. I still live in fear of the mail, and the person who stalks us, and having to turn your life upside down again. You love our new life, and it troubles you to think that he will find us and make us move again. For the last nine months we have finally gotten to live in peace. We have been free to live and laugh and we have done a lot of that. Our new home is amazi...

I'm writing this all up now, to draw a line under it and to provide the government with some insight into what it is like to have a baby with an abuser, and how easy it is for the abuser to find a nice backup team in the UK family courts. I blogged last year when I was in a bad way from the news that Judge Zara of Coventry Family Courts had allowed the stalker to have face to face contact with my beautiful innocent son.  Here comes a summary of what I have been through this past ten plus years, and where I am at now. My son's father is a drug addict. So was I when I met him.  I stopped using almost ten years ago - despite him not because of him as he claims.  Sexual abuse and coercive control and coercive rape were regular occurrences but at the time it didn't occur to me that it was wrong, even though it did not feel good. I walked on eggshells and tried to not rock to boat but this was normal for me and the people I had always loved and so like many victims, I mini...

Another one from the archives, originally published in 2011: When I planned to breastfeed my son, I really had little to no idea what to expect. Most of my peers bottle fed after a few weeks and I’d heard horror stories of pain and discomfort and not being able to produce enough milk. I attended a breastfeeding tutorial as apart of my antenatal course but the only plan I really had was to go with the flow and see what happened. I suffered a dreadful depression in my pregnancy and I doubted my ability to feed my son as well as doubting my capabilities as a mother in general. After an enormously long labour and assisted delivery, my baby lamb was put to my breast and miraculously latched on with little assistance. The first few days in hospital were a blur – remember they kept me in because my son wasn’t feeding properly, though I can’t really remember any serious problems other than he slept for a long time the first night, and so would I, if I’d been on a journey that...

Here I'm adding a blast from the past, an old blog post from my other blog ( links may not be current): A friend is due to give birth soon, so I promised that I’d put together a breastfeeding kit list.  Breastfeeding is hard work, but these few things made my life a bit easier.  I’d also like to offer some advice, to all new Mums and that is: listen to your instincts.  That is the best advice my midwife told me and it has been the most valuable to me in the past three years. People will offer you advice, but listen to your heart, and listen to your baby and you won’t go far wrong.  Your baby is unique to you, and whilst you can always ask for help and tips, you need to adapt them to the very special and one-of-a-kind human being that you have just created. Breastfeeding made my boobs feel horrid. Hot and sticky, uncomfortable, painful and milky.  When I won an Emma Jane nursing bra my bosum finally felt as though it could breathe again.  Thou...

Hello honey, The summer has been fantastic, lazy days and trips out together. We now have a tandem attachment for the bikes and so we load them onto the car and go out together to find places to cycle. You are never bored and always so happy, you are extra sunshine to my summer days.  I always did love to hang out with you and you are such great company.  You are the kindest, most compassionate, understanding and non judgemental person I have ever met.  Your love is so pure and selfless that it just bowls me over.  Your future partner, if you decide to find one, is going to be the luckiest lady/man in the world.  Or you may choose to be single, and that is OK too. There is not a day goes by when I don't receive complements from you, about what a great mum I am or how beautiful you see me to be.  If you have sweets, you always share them and most times give me your last and first one.  You are the best, you are perfect inside and out.  From yo...

Dear honey bunny I've not written to you for oh - ever-so long.  I found out that your biological dad Darren (BDD) is cyber stalking me badly and  it's made me not want to talk.  It's been so traumatic and I've been poorly for many months now and although I am well again now, BDD's malice hangs around my online activity like a rotten odour. You my love though, remain to be unflappably happy throughout, my ray of sunshine.  You are the kindest, most supportive, non-judgemental, down to earth person that I have ever met, and I have met a lot of people in my life.  You are suffering a bit too though through BDD's actions, and we have to move house again which is upsetting for both of us.  You are really settled in the village and have friends here and are doing brilliantly at school.  It's with a heavy heart that I have to move us but BDD is intent on stalking me and making threats so we have to go, for our own safety and security.  It shadows m...

Good Spooky-eve darling, We have just had the Best Summer Ever.  Not only did the sun shine brightly upon us, giving us a healthy glow and turning my pallor into a tan the equivalent if yours, but it was the last stint of freedom for us before the pressures of school and work kicked in.  We revelled in each other's company, just hanging out together and playing, swimming outdoors and visiting new and old places. You were delighted to be able to swim confidently with only your shark's fin on, and I was so proud of your new-found skill.  You learned to write your own name, and mine too, and even before school began you were spelling words out loud and trying to read.  You've always had an interest in words, right from when you were small you've asked me what things say.  You've never shown much interest in drawing, but you enthusiastically craft me loving written notes, in big confident letters, and roll them up,and deliver them to me shyly, and then ooze pri...

Hello Gorgeous, Well, I did it, we went to the butterfly house and though I felt I had to leave after a third of the way round, I still did it.  It was uncomfortable, but I did it, and I am much less reactive around butterflies and other fluttery creatures now.  I even took you to an owl handling session.  I held the little owl but you did all three, even the really big one.  You told me that it's wings cooled your head down.  I was so proud of you, you didn't really understand why I could only hold the small one but I explained that it was like you, when you come to a climbing frame that is big and new.  First you climb part way up, and I help you down.  Next time you might climb to the top, and I help you down and then the next time you probably go all over the top and down the other side with no help at all.  Slowly does it. Anyway, I digress, because the reason I wanted to write today is to demonstrate to you and thank you for all the new...

Hello Darling, You crazy, wild, free-spirited wondrous child you.  When you were born I thought I could never love more than I loved you but every day, every week, every little thing I learn about you and every new thing you learn and do I love you more and more and more.  Before I became a mum all I heard was "children ruin your life/stop you doing things/wreck your body" and I wonder how anyone could think such things.  Sure, parenthood has challenges, but since you were born my life has changed for the better and just keeps getting happier and happier every day.  Rather than stopping me doing things, being a parent has opened new doors for me, in blogging, socially, and most important spiritually and mentally.  Understanding you and helping you to be the best person you can be is an exciting task, ans one which brings me the reward of pride and amazement in your wonderful self.  A couple of months ago all we seemed to be doing as shouting at each ...

Hello my Big Boy 4, You were thrilled to bits to finally reach the Big Boy status of Four Years Old.  Now you are even stronger, braver and cleverer than ever before.  When I write your name it must ALWAYS be followed by a great BIG 4.  My little darling, you won't let me call you baby any more, even when I explain that baby is not me calling you a newborn but me giving you pet name indicating my love for you.  You'll still be my baby when you are SIXTY-four.  Which is OK, because you tell me you want to live with me forever, and I tell you that you can live with me for as long as you want.  For "fifty-ten years", you say, and I say, I really hope that we are still living together then, because I will be one hundred years old.  Any big thing, be it distance, or age or height, is ten.  Ten must seem to be a very big number for you  right now.  You know your numbers perfectly, both recited and written and you are grasping simple mathe...

It's pretty common knowledge, that abusers use the court systems to get to their victims. After all, it's all about control, and how better to control an ex partner, who has escaped from you, than use the law to ensure she is in a certain place at a certain time. Sometimes it's the family courts, sometimes a civil matter. They know you will be scared, and in my case, the perpetrator admitted in a letter that he was sexually aroused by seeing me in court. Escaping a domestic violence situation is a brave thing to do, not least because you know the perpetrator will be furious with you for getting away. You may have a non molestation order in place, which they may or may not be adhering to but one way they can ensure that they are close to you is by taking you to the court. If you have a child together the easiest way will be to initiate a contact hearing. This ensures that they will at least be able to control your movements once every two or three months for ...

You wake up in the morning, and open the curtains to see the sunlight pouring in. Or the rain, pouring down.  You get up, have breakfast, get ready, leave the house, walk the dog, come back and relax or play with your family.  A typical day. What it's like to be a domestic violence/stalking/harassment victim: You wake up in the morning, and open the curtains. You scan the street too check whether anything is different or out of place.  You do the same when the downstairs curtains are opened, if you dare.  You carry your phone and keys on your person at all times.  You turn the telly on so that you aren't jumping at every little noise outside.  You have breakfast and plan to leave the house.  You set your Panic Guard, check out of the windows to see if anyone is lurking around.  If you are lucky and have a clever dog you can send him out first and watch for his signals. You make sure your rape alarm is within reach.  You check the car and...

Oh dear oh dear, well, I've finally found out exactly what you've been telling everyone and it is quite ludicrous, not to mention highly exaggerated, what shred of truth it actually contains.  Here's one that you told my mother too: "she's been a crackhead for twenty years"...think about this carefully - is this the same twenty years when I somehow managed to get a degree, AND a Masters? in Computing?  (well, lets not lie I didn't do the dissertation, I got  PGDip, but nonetheless still managed to pass two years worth of hard study).  Is this the same twenty years within which time I travelled the world, studied kung fu, boxing, kick boxing and escrima? I was a stripper when we met and you helped me turn my life around. Oh, how I lol'd at this one.  Yes, I was a stripper, I'm not ashamed of that.  YOU should be ashamed that you were a punter, well, I say punter, you and your mates weren't punters you were tourists, you came in for a drink an...

Dearest Son of mine, Wowee you are growing at a rate of I-don't-know-whats at the moment, physically and mentally.  One moment I forget you are only three and a half because you are amazing me with witty conversation and worldly knowledge, and then the next moment I am reminded of your age when you crumple into an emotional heap of tears because I have told you that you can't eat fish and chips for breakfast and sweets for tea. I love it when I hear "I love you Mummy" and, "I am so happy, I just can't stop being happy", and words of wisdom such as "I know Mummy, what we need is a giraffe!".  I like less when I hear "I am going to put you in the bin". You think you can fix anything "I'm an engineer", and if you can't fix it, I will be able to fix it, and if I can't fix it, Grandad will, in his amazing workshop with all the tools.  I love that workshop too, you can definitely fix most things there. You and y...

Hello my honey bunny, Actually, you'd object to that, you object to being called anything that you are not, such as 'baby' ("I'm three and a half!").  Unless we are playing, and you love to play pretend games, such as tortoise, where you hide under my pink washing basket and shuffle around the floor, or pussy cat where you miaw and let me stroke your hair.  Or dog, where I throw a toy and you fetch it, or if we are on an actual dog walk, you attach the lead to me or yourself and we take turns.  Now you are stronger, we play koala too - a bit like a piggy back but with you holding yourself on.  You invent great games, like today we were at the park near the trains (your favourite) and we took your boom bats, a couple of cars and a cricket bat and ball and you invented several hours of games to keep us entertained and active. You make me laugh so much, and now you are older I know you do it on purpose, to me and other people too, you love being the entertai...

Well hello my love, and its been such a lovely summer.  You have grown in height, in shoe size and of course wit and intellect and you continue to amaze me daily with your words and actions.  We have just had a quiet week, mostly me and you, enjoying what will probably be the last of the summer sun. We had an amazing holiday in Norfolk again, and we were both sad to leave.  But when we returned, we had a half birthday party for you at Granny and Grandads house. It was a fantastic Thomas themed day and ran on way past the finish time.  Your best friends attended; Oliver, of course, and Benjamin and Elodie, Eva, Chloe and Kian, William and Georgina.  Your new friends Charlotte, Thomas and James came and they brought with the their remote controlled Thomas to play with.  You liked it so much that I found you one on ebay and then the sound drove me bonkers.  Actually,  I think it drove us both a bit bonkers because you let me tape polystyrene to the ...

We are back at the same holiday home that we stayed at last year.  You are one year older, two inches taller and a hundred times cheekier, more inquiring and more eloquent.  Ive been meaning to write to you since my last letter in Novemeber.  Last winter I first of all had the court case with Darren to contend with and then I was so ill with the mystery skin thing I had and still plagues me in a lesser way today.  I could not write while the court thing dragged on. All I could think of saying to you were so many apologies for not choosing the perfect dad for you.  But you are you because of the unique set of genes that your father and I have combined and so you wouldn't be you if I had not met your dad.  I wouldnt change you for the world.  You are a unique, kind, strong, funny, clever, compassionate and beautiful inside and out.  You are confident and healthy and can climb, jump and run with such ease that I envy your self assurance and physical...

To my favourite person, Wow hasn't this year flown by?  I keep meaning to write and to document your growing wonderfulness but this year has been hard to write about without bring your father into it.  it's so hard not to speak ill of him because he hurt me very badly but I know you are a clever and very sensible and sensitive boy and you will see him as he really is. Your intelligence shines thorough, you learn so quickly, you only need to be shown once and you have learnt it.  Even stuff I don't think you notice, you do, and maybe several months later even you will surprise me with something you tell me or something you do.  your maturity astounds me and I forget sometimes you are only nearly three, but then you do something crazy and funny like run round in circles, or find something 'incredible'. 'wow' or 'amazing', as if you have seen it for the very first time.  Your use of descriptive language astounds me, for example while some kids mi...

dear you Well, not dear you at all,there is nothing dear about you, though once i clearly thought there was.  Your poor me puppy dog act worked on the judge but i saw the real you in court, the controlling, selfish, narcissistic misogynist liar that you are.  I can't knock your self-belief, you really do believe you are perfect don't you, that nothing you do is wrong.  Oh how you bemoaned the fact that the police kept 'picking on you' when you kept getting caught driving without a licence, or insurance, or smoking weed whilst you were driving, or not wearing a seatbelt...none of that was your fault either, was it?  I've been looking up all the definitions of domestic violence again, I still have to keep checking, because my own self-belief is not as unshakable as yours is.  I have deleted the ones you didn't do, but the ones you did I have left: Pressure tactics : sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, take the...