world cup day
dear mr nobody,
it's been some time, though not for want of trying - had a failed attempt or two from my mobile but my words get getting lost, which was fairly disconcerting as well as highly annoying.
had a sad few weeks, grandma has been in hospital after another bad fall, her brain tumour it seems is taking over. so ive been taking m to see her lots and lots, because he makes her smile, and also of course because im cramming in all those visits that i meant to make and didnt over the years. i dont suppose im the only person in the world to do this but though je ne regret rien (generally) je definitely regret not getting my lazy/tired/drug-addled ass off to see her while she still had all of her faculties. it's so so sad, my bubbly full of life and sometimes over-communicative grandma lying in bed barely able to control her own bodily functions, unable to enjoy the food that she has always grown in the back garden and forgetful of the words that she always valued so highly.
she married an englishman after the war and had always enjoyed language, beaming proudly when any of her children and grandchildren showed prowess in writing-related activity. and now she begins, stops, forgets words and stumbles, not managing to make the most basic of conversation. i can see t in her eyes she wants to talk but has lost the words, i cannot even imagine how frustrating that would be, trapped and unable to communicate. i cant get my words out sometimes, its a curse but none so bad as my poor poor grandma.
she needs round the clock care now, im not entirely sure how long she has left. ive tried to pray for her but im not really sure what to pray for. for her tumour to go away and for her to be able to walk and talk again would be amazing, but im not sure even God can do miracles like that. A swift end maybe? But that I could not hope for because even if she is not as she was, at least she is still with us. I suppose i just have to pray that the right thing will happen.
oh, i find it so hard to deal with life and death. my boy is so new, such a joy, so full of innocence and hope and my grandma is at the end of her life and it makes you wonder what 'it' is all about, if 'it' is really about anything. i want to believe in reincarnation or heaven but the realist in me says otherwise, and that is a huge massive fear that causes me great anxiety. i wish i had the answers, but then, if the answer is that we die and rot, then that is not the answer that id wish to get.
life, frankly, scares me to death, and is quite possibly one of the reasons i spent so much time taking so many different drugs. i could certainly do with a pipe now, thinking about it. (i wont, i gave up two and a half years ago). ugh. i feel awful now so im going to go and try to distract my mind so that i can sleep. till the next time xx
it's been some time, though not for want of trying - had a failed attempt or two from my mobile but my words get getting lost, which was fairly disconcerting as well as highly annoying.
had a sad few weeks, grandma has been in hospital after another bad fall, her brain tumour it seems is taking over. so ive been taking m to see her lots and lots, because he makes her smile, and also of course because im cramming in all those visits that i meant to make and didnt over the years. i dont suppose im the only person in the world to do this but though je ne regret rien (generally) je definitely regret not getting my lazy/tired/drug-addled ass off to see her while she still had all of her faculties. it's so so sad, my bubbly full of life and sometimes over-communicative grandma lying in bed barely able to control her own bodily functions, unable to enjoy the food that she has always grown in the back garden and forgetful of the words that she always valued so highly.
she married an englishman after the war and had always enjoyed language, beaming proudly when any of her children and grandchildren showed prowess in writing-related activity. and now she begins, stops, forgets words and stumbles, not managing to make the most basic of conversation. i can see t in her eyes she wants to talk but has lost the words, i cannot even imagine how frustrating that would be, trapped and unable to communicate. i cant get my words out sometimes, its a curse but none so bad as my poor poor grandma.
she needs round the clock care now, im not entirely sure how long she has left. ive tried to pray for her but im not really sure what to pray for. for her tumour to go away and for her to be able to walk and talk again would be amazing, but im not sure even God can do miracles like that. A swift end maybe? But that I could not hope for because even if she is not as she was, at least she is still with us. I suppose i just have to pray that the right thing will happen.
oh, i find it so hard to deal with life and death. my boy is so new, such a joy, so full of innocence and hope and my grandma is at the end of her life and it makes you wonder what 'it' is all about, if 'it' is really about anything. i want to believe in reincarnation or heaven but the realist in me says otherwise, and that is a huge massive fear that causes me great anxiety. i wish i had the answers, but then, if the answer is that we die and rot, then that is not the answer that id wish to get.
life, frankly, scares me to death, and is quite possibly one of the reasons i spent so much time taking so many different drugs. i could certainly do with a pipe now, thinking about it. (i wont, i gave up two and a half years ago). ugh. i feel awful now so im going to go and try to distract my mind so that i can sleep. till the next time xx
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