Escaped? Not so fast mama...

It's pretty common knowledge, that abusers use the court systems to get to their victims. After all, it's all about control, and how better to control an ex partner, who has escaped from you, than use the law to ensure she is in a certain place at a certain time. Sometimes it's the family courts, sometimes a civil matter. They know you will be scared, and in my case, the perpetrator admitted in a letter that he was sexually aroused by seeing me in court.

Escaping a domestic violence situation is a brave thing to do, not least because you know the perpetrator will be furious with you for getting away. You may have a non molestation order in place, which they may or may not be adhering to but one way they can ensure that they are close to you is by taking you to the court. If you have a child together the easiest way will be to initiate a contact hearing. This ensures that they will at least be able to control your movements once every two or three months for two or three years. In between court dates, letters to and from solicitors means that you will never be able to put them completely out of your mind, thus continuing the control, even if your address is withheld.

For maybe two weeks before the court date you can think of nothing else. You put on a brave face because you can't let your children know the truth. Happy Mummy on the outside and terrified mummy on the inside. For me, my sleep became disturbed and full of nightmares. Religiously, for three or four days before court I would get a splitting pain in my left ear that continued until several days after the court. Painkillers didn't touch it and my jaw became locked so that I couldn't talk properly. Food made me sick.

On court dates, you have to plan your movements carefully. You soon learn that you have to arrive really early or late, so that you avoid meeting the perpetrator on the way in. If your solicitor is good, they will find you a private room to sit in, but often there are none available and you have to sit in the same waiting room as the person who has hurt you. You keep your head down and avoid eye contact. It's best to bring sandwiches and a drink, because there are no facilities in court, and if you leave at lunch time you are likely to be followed. Can you image having to sit in the same room as someone who has hurt you, often in the most horrendous ways? Knowing they are getting a thrill from watching your fear? It's terrifying.

I was told that in court there would be a barrier between you and the perpetrator. In reality there are never the “resources”, so you have to sit less than six feet away from them, and give evidence in front of them. It's degrading and frightening and humiliating. Dirty laundry is being flung around and your intimate secrets and fears are heard publicly. It drains your emotions, you shake, you want to cry and hide under the desk but you can't do anything that might hold you in contempt. So you keep it all in and let it eat away at your soul.

When you leave court, you have to hurry, in case you are followed. I was also told that security can walk you to your car. In reality, there's never anyone available. I was followed. I managed to escape both times but I was shaken and the emotional scars remain. The courts are supposed to protect you, and care for your children but how can taking their mother away and placing her in a frightening situation time and time again be good for anyone? They are so focussed on “child must see father no matter what”, that mother's needs are ignored. They perpetuate the bullying through long and drawn out proceedings. They fail to protect her before, during and after proceedings.