to the perpetrator
dear you
Well, not dear you at all,there is nothing dear about you, though once i clearly thought there was. Your poor me puppy dog act worked on the judge but i saw the real you in court, the controlling, selfish, narcissistic misogynist liar that you are. I can't knock your self-belief, you really do believe you are perfect don't you, that nothing you do is wrong. Oh how you bemoaned the fact that the police kept 'picking on you' when you kept getting caught driving without a licence, or insurance, or smoking weed whilst you were driving, or not wearing a seatbelt...none of that was your fault either, was it? I've been looking up all the definitions of domestic violence again, I still have to keep checking, because my own self-belief is not as unshakable as yours is. I have deleted the ones you didn't do, but the ones you did I have left:
Somehow in the following weeks I allowed you into my bed..probably shut him up sex again as usual, maybe I was drunk, who knows. The months following this were hell. Still studying and working, I had my usual household chores to do as well as walking the dogs - you said I walked them too much and wouldn't help unless I begged, and then only sometimes - as well as surviving on my measly 10k a year, because you didn't like helping with the bills and paid your bare minimum and still refused to buy things like cleaning products. You thought because I was a woman I should cook and clean for you..as well as pay all the bills and do the DIY, because you never lifted a finger to help, ever. Do you remember I decorated the house all alone 'because you didn't want to move'. I had found us the bigger house because cracks were showing in our relationship and I thought it might improve if we had more space to live in. How wrong I was. My body swelled with sickness every time I moved and still you never lifted a finger to help. You wanted to drag me down to the abortion clinic...and now you say you're a loving father - don't make me laugh, you couldn't care about anyone else if you tried. Your first love is weed, followed by playstation, anything else comes far far behind. When my son was born you went around telling everyone you couldn't afford christmas presents that year because you had a baby due. You never even bought him a baby grow.
I have written about my pregnancy and labour before, it makes me feel sick to think about it still. You were always so busy taking photos to show off to your mates, then complained you had not bonded - my son is no more than a status symbol for you, well he is not a toy, he is a real human being and a very special one at that. You said in court you wanted to be a 'role model'. I nearly vomited. What kind of a role model exactly do you think you can be? A lazy narcissistic misogynist pot smoker cannabis-farming incompetent, who has been on the dole for three years and has told me he's never working again? Super. All I can try to do now is to do my best to make sure that my son does not grow up like his father, and like his father's father, and probably even beyond that.
I have to go now, my poor little boy is crying in pain from his teeth and needs his mummy.
Well, not dear you at all,there is nothing dear about you, though once i clearly thought there was. Your poor me puppy dog act worked on the judge but i saw the real you in court, the controlling, selfish, narcissistic misogynist liar that you are. I can't knock your self-belief, you really do believe you are perfect don't you, that nothing you do is wrong. Oh how you bemoaned the fact that the police kept 'picking on you' when you kept getting caught driving without a licence, or insurance, or smoking weed whilst you were driving, or not wearing a seatbelt...none of that was your fault either, was it? I've been looking up all the definitions of domestic violence again, I still have to keep checking, because my own self-belief is not as unshakable as yours is. I have deleted the ones you didn't do, but the ones you did I have left:
- Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions. < you held onto that email you sent my mum for three whole years blackmailing me with it. Well, mum knows the truth, i told her a long time ago, and she knows which bits you fabricated too. Yes, pressure tactics were your speciality, weren't they?
- Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.< yep yep and yep..remember, you still never paid back that £400. And "I did too much housework" so you flat out refused to help. Remember when you gave me scabies because you refused to go to the doctor about your gammy hands and feet? Then when the doctor told me i had to wash everything and clean the bed and towels daily you told me he was over-reacting, and refused to help. A week that took me, sterilising everything. Or, it was my fault for walking the dogs in muddy places, Or, it was me that sweated profusely in bed making the bedclothes sodden in the morning (funny, it never happened before you and has not happened after). To give just a few examples. I was always 'over reacting', a 'drama queen', even when I had medical evidence on my side as in the scabies case.
- Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.< you broke just about every family engagement we ever had with my family. You refused to introduce me to your family and told me the reason was that they are racist. You told me that they hated white people and that is why you couldn't introduce us. You always refused to discuss anything personal such as why you suddenly stopped living in that house that you claimed was owned by you but your car was still there many months afterwards. You withheld a lot from me, made me make promises and then broke all the ones you made to me. I fin it hard to beleive anything you ever told me, now.
- Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.< I got bored of being accused of cheating and even being a prostitute so I gave up seeing people. It was subtle how you did this but it still happened. I used to lie about seeing people and what I had talked about - you would get insanely angry if I mentioned a conversation I had had involving you, you hated me talking to anyone about you. When i saw a work colleague in the supermarket I felt afraid, I talked to him as 'me' but I knew when we got alone again you would fly into a rage and accuse me of having sex with him or something.
- Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public. when we lived together, you looked at the keyboard when I typed in my passwords. I didn't realise this until you revealed accidentally that you had been logging into my facebook and hotmail for a very long time. You told me you also used to check my phone whenever you could too. I decided to play the same trick on you and you were having laughably cheesy attempts at chat ups with girls. I was beyond caring by this time. When i got the police to throw you out of the house you followed me to where I walked the dogs and showed up. A kindly dog walker let me walk with her but you followed us the entire route, about ten paces behind us. When I was at barnacle, you made very sure that I realised that the house was not very secure and would turn up unannounced highlighting that you just could. After I ceased talking to you, you would send abusive emails and facebook messages. You are still harassing me now through the solicitors, using your poor mother and sister as pawns in your sick game. You followed me from court last july with such menace that the lady who rescued me called the police.
- Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children. you threw me and malachi across the room when I was breastfeeding. In our relationship you always made it very clear who was the strongest, you never left that in any doubt. When I was pregnant and we argued, i would ask you to leave the room, I would scream to try and make you go, you would not leave me alone, I had no peace. You took away a picture of you that we had done in the photo studio that time. You told me you had ripped it up and smashed the frame. You then sent it to my son, I took that to be a reminder from you.
- Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation. I stopped wanting sex with you - you wonder why? You told me it was your right, and that I was 'denying you'. If we had sex, if i pretended, it would be over in ten minutes and I could sleep ready for work the next day. If I said no, we would argue till 2am when I would just have to give in and let you anyway, just so I could sleep. "shut him up sex" ...remember that? I could not walk round the house anything other than fully clothed without you grabbing me. I'd tell you to stop groping me, you told me you did not like that phrase and it was my fault for being attractive. Even when we slept in separate rooms you insisted on your 'right' to sex. I know know that I was wrong to 'let' you, that this is not normal and my previous history of abuse led me to believe it was. In reality, it consensual rape, I let you rape me for ten minutes because then I knew you'd leave me alone for the rest of the night. If I did not let you, we would argue all night about how it was your right and why I would not let you.
- Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again. you never begged for forgiveness because to this day you don't think you did anything wrong. Because you didn't beat me, like you have seen your father doing, three times, it was ok to shout me down,not let me speak, make me agree to things just to get some peace and end the argument. I don't entirely blame you, I blame your father, for doing the same to your mother, and your mother, for not making sure her son grew up as misogynistic as his father. You have limited intelligence and are clearly incapable of distinguishing right from wrong ways to treat women because of what you have grown up seeing. I blame me, for also not realising how wrong it was to let a man treat you this way. Nobody told me either, and with my history, well, lets say you were less bad than some. It felt wrong, but I papered over so many cracks in our relationship, I really did try to make it work.
Somehow in the following weeks I allowed you into my bed..probably shut him up sex again as usual, maybe I was drunk, who knows. The months following this were hell. Still studying and working, I had my usual household chores to do as well as walking the dogs - you said I walked them too much and wouldn't help unless I begged, and then only sometimes - as well as surviving on my measly 10k a year, because you didn't like helping with the bills and paid your bare minimum and still refused to buy things like cleaning products. You thought because I was a woman I should cook and clean for you..as well as pay all the bills and do the DIY, because you never lifted a finger to help, ever. Do you remember I decorated the house all alone 'because you didn't want to move'. I had found us the bigger house because cracks were showing in our relationship and I thought it might improve if we had more space to live in. How wrong I was. My body swelled with sickness every time I moved and still you never lifted a finger to help. You wanted to drag me down to the abortion clinic...and now you say you're a loving father - don't make me laugh, you couldn't care about anyone else if you tried. Your first love is weed, followed by playstation, anything else comes far far behind. When my son was born you went around telling everyone you couldn't afford christmas presents that year because you had a baby due. You never even bought him a baby grow.
I have written about my pregnancy and labour before, it makes me feel sick to think about it still. You were always so busy taking photos to show off to your mates, then complained you had not bonded - my son is no more than a status symbol for you, well he is not a toy, he is a real human being and a very special one at that. You said in court you wanted to be a 'role model'. I nearly vomited. What kind of a role model exactly do you think you can be? A lazy narcissistic misogynist pot smoker cannabis-farming incompetent, who has been on the dole for three years and has told me he's never working again? Super. All I can try to do now is to do my best to make sure that my son does not grow up like his father, and like his father's father, and probably even beyond that.
I have to go now, my poor little boy is crying in pain from his teeth and needs his mummy.
Comments
Post a Comment